Binge Living

I keep waking up in a morning to the sound of people talking about the binge drinking culture on the radio. I usually have a touch of a hangover, too.

Let's face it, drinking more than is healthy is a popular pastime in this country, but why are we getting so stressed about it? According to the press, it seems that it's because when Britons get drunk, they get aggressive, unlike our European friends who are all lovely and calm and civilised.

Oversimplifications R us. But whatever else booze is, it is a truth serum. It doesn't bring out your dark side or make you do things you wouldn't dream of doing sober. It brings out the you that is a little way under the surface, and makes you do things you DO dream doing sober, but restrain yourself.

In other words, if you're happy and well-adjusted, you'll be great company when you're drunk. If you're angry with your life, your boss or your libido, then you'll be a horrible embarrassment when you go over the edge. Simple really.

So we can conclude that a major difference between the British and other Europeans is that we British are collectively pissed off. But what about?

Some of my friends reckon that people who like rock music are generally friendlier than people who don't. Certainly the Corporation always feels very friendly to me compared to other clubs.

So maybe the cure to the modern British disease is, simply, we need to rock more...

Throttle Me With With Telephone Wire, Mother.

Stress Inducing 'On Hold' Music

For various reasons I've been on the phone to companies today, and as is usual in this modern age I've spent most of it 'ON HOLD', that strange, limbo status that exists between getting things done, and throwing the telephone against the wall and screaming in a foul and archaic language that should have died with the black death, and vowing to cause death to all telephone call people everywhere. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Anyway, a couple of things struck me. Firstly, my bank has had the same piano, stings and saxophone 'ON HOLD' track for the last seven years. I've heard it in little bits, and in its entirety approximately seventeen thousand times. I could notate it for you right now, and if I think about it any more, I'll probably start jamming it tonight, causing Ed and Andy to kill me, and rightly so. Secondly, my banks' music is indicative of 'pan pipe ON HOLD music'. Contrary to its name, this type of music might not feature pan pipes, but is simply anemic, listless, and devoid of any of the things that any sane person looks for in a piece of music. Listening to it for any length of time is the aural equivalent of being beaten to death by a feather - drawn out, and essentially irritating processes, but guaranteed to sap the life force from you until you are a quaking husk in your armchair.

Finally, and this is my key discovery, ON HOLD as punishment... in the course of my telephoning I had to contact a company from whom I have withdrawn my custom to get some information. Having explained this to the initial switchboard person, I was told I would be transferred, and slipped into the eeire world of ON HOLD. I settled back in my armchair as some pan-pipe version of a top 5 hit from 1892 limped on, and the inevitable numbing of my senses occurred. Then the music stopped... and seemingly realising that the person on the end of the line had shunned its companies business to move onto pastures new (and cheaper), the ON HOLD machine narrowed its evil piggy electrode eyes, and began playing 'Have A Nice Day', by the Stereophonics...

Na-nana-na, na-na-nana-na...
Na-nana-na, na-na-nana-na...

I will be looking for a new telephone, just as soon as I've sorted the dent in the wall...

Pete

The Spirit of Spike Milligan is alive in a well

Or, The Life and Times of Corollary Bubblesqueak, as seen here http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/alabaster/A666001

So much more uplifting than elevator music...