On the spot election night reportage...

Thursday 3rd May, 23:45 - Well, unusually for an election night, I'm not utterly off my face, yet. Mind you, it is local/Scottish/Welsh rather than General, but even so, the side is being slightly let down. Anyway, Tamworth is in, and it's been held by the Tories! Not just held, but a three seat gain?! Is this the Tamworth I remember from Saturday afternoons on the booze - where on earth were the blue contingent? Mind you, remembering those days is always a push. Oh, and John Reid is being quietly aggressive (as ever) the Conservative spokeswoman is being vague (ditto), and the Lib Dem lady who is always on the telly at such events has said she's expecting a mixed bag of results... which is what they always say. Herbie isn't bothered, Lib's in bed, and I'm off to get the corkscrew...

Oh! - Friday already, 00:00 - Jeremy Vine is now trying to be Peter Snow. He's not very good, but not as good at not being very good as Snowy was. He's got Blair playing tennis, which is nonsensical really. Oh, and Lib Dems have got Hull - you cannot be serious... oh! Now Reid is taking on Nick Robinson! Only half an hour in! Could be a late night...

00:05 - Do I fancy Emily Maitlis or Oona King more? Oh - and first ever 18 year old councilor elected. Somewhere... and tories might take Birmingham? Say what?! The homestead is going bobins. Now it's local news analysis from what looks like a suspect takeaway... there's a fruit machine reflected in the window behind a pundit! Could murder a kebab. Halfway through first glass of Co-op Chianti.

00:30 - Okay, while the BBC is focusing on Wales, a confession - I didn't vote this time round. This is purely due to paperwork and moving, but even so, this is shit. Seriously, voting is not just a right, it's a responsibility. Oh! Politics does nothing for me! Oh, but I'm annoyed about how the busses don't run on time/waiting lists/schools etc etc. The BBC vox pop moment earlier suggested that people were not even aware that there was an election today... I'm sorry, but tis is poor. PSH are a pro-democracy band, and this means either putting a cross in a box, or writing BOLLOX on the sheet - either way, you have to make the effort. Obviously it's a bit late now to change attitudes, but y'know, it's an old rant...

00:45 - It's Oona. Emily has a strange nose. And a 7% swing to the SNP in Motherwell... say goodbye to the 'UK' as we know it...

00:50 - Okay - lots of Labour losses in English councils so far, but to hung councils rather than other parties. Nick's getting one over on Reid at the moment.

01:00 - Good news! Looks like the BNP are getting an utter whacking! Well, maybe not an utter whacking, but its always a good idea to show bigots failings up in big neon letters. Mind you, there's a good sociological curio here - in a time of anxiety and worry, massive court cases regarding terrorist plots, the BNP fail to even maintain their creepy minor success last time. Good to know that the seats they muscled into back then was through some political blip, rather than a shift in British good sense.

01:05 - Not sure about Jack McConnell. Seems a little unsure of himself in front of the cameras. Alex Salmon clearly wins the charisma vote.

01:25 - John Reid's cleared off. Was on the bog, so not sure why. Iain Duncan Smith's on, and he's getting slimier as he gets older. Who could ever forget his wonderful line, "the quiet man is TURNING UP the volume..." Class! As for the elections... some 1000 odd discarded ballots in Scotland, and Wales are struggling to keep up with good stories.

01:30 - Oooh... Lib Dems have no local representation in North Warwickshire, and I know my Mum has been delivering Liberal leaflets for a mate of hers... can't remember if she lives in North Warwickshire though, so this might be irrelevant. I suspect she lives in Worchestershire... the fact I don't know this is a bad thing.

01:50 - Okay - two or three glasses of wine in, and Labour seem to be doing better than many expected. Not 'good' by any means, but better than perhaps they might have expected. Lib Dems, as ever, seem to be having a steady race, holding, loosing, a pretty uninspiring set of results, and the Tories are not really shooting as far as they'd like. Will Gordon Brown be pleased? Will the Cameroons be gutted? Herbie is still asleep, echoing the sentiments of most of the country...

Oh - and Ieuan Wyn Jones (the plaid cymru leader) just said "y'know" about 20 times in less than a minute. Mind you, he has a lovely Welsh accent, so I'll let it pass.

01:57 - John Hutton - "There's been no sign of the Tory break-through that everyone has been expecting." I'm sure I've heard this said at some point during every local election since... oohh... probably 1997.

02:02 - A Labour lady takes the first Welsh Assembly seat to be declared. Very smiley - looks nice. Mind you, a 19% drop in her vote - "eek!" cry Welsh labour people. I wonder if the Doctor Who crew in Cardiff have an opinion?

02:05 - BNP down 3% in the overall vote according to Mr. Vine!

02:10 - Over 900 rejected votes in Dundee East! There's clearly something up with the ballot forms north of the border. We have to do something about the very process of elections in our country. Francis Maude is on. Another piss beckons...

02:27 - Alan Johnston - "... English laws for English MPs [would be] very dangerous." Why? I love being British, as opposed to English, but since my Scottish, Irish and Welsh cousins have institutions which will allow them to craft their own laws/rules, why not England too? Labour still doing ok-ish.

02:40 - More rejected votes in Dumfries... but Labour took it. However, it's those spoiled ballots that'll be the big story I reckon, especially as it looks like Labour will still retain power.

Right, it's nearly three, and unlike a General, it'd be trite to stay up all night, so I'll post this now and get off to bed. Do elections matter? Fuck yes! If you didn't vote, well that's your choice, but don't complain. Don't whinge about roads, bins, police, hospitals, libraries, public transport. Whatever your problem is, shut the fuck up. You had your choice, and you screwed it. Anyway, sleep tight!

Oetros Neptimas Pisco